a dancing flame

[songbird9.livejournal.com]

Who: Eric and Song
What: Who you are may hate who you've been,
but you wouldn't be who you are if you hadn't been.
Where: AIM
When: extremely early Tuesday morning


plan awesome (12:50:38 AM): .... Song?

songbyrd3 (12:50:47 AM): Eric?

plan awesome (12:51:04 AM): Yeah
plan awesome (12:51:11 AM): Wow, I just.
plan awesome (12:51:18 AM): ... it WAS real, wasn't it.

songbyrd3 (12:51:42 AM): Well, either that or I'm hallucinating Radiant Garden.

plan awesome (12:52:02 AM): Unbelievable.
plan awesome (12:52:07 AM): Well, not really
plan awesome (12:52:25 AM): would you believe I've been trying to tell myself it didn't happen for the last four months?

songbyrd3 (12:52:31 AM): Why?

plan awesome (12:52:46 AM): just
plan awesome (12:52:51 AM): all the things that happened, that I did

songbyrd3 (12:53:07 AM): As Axel?

plan awesome (12:53:08 AM): there were good parts, yeah, but.
plan awesome (12:53:11 AM): Yeah.
plan awesome (12:53:47 AM): Some days i still wake up and am surprised to see auburn intsead of fire truck red

songbyrd3 (12:54:08 AM): Yeah, well... A lot of mistakes were made. The whole Organization, Orpheus...
something occurred to me the other day, actually.

plan awesome (12:54:14 AM): oh?

songbyrd3 (12:55:15 AM): I was thinking about him, and how I said that he shouldn't feel too guilty or punish himself for what Xehanort and Xemnas did, because it wasn't him. I said he's innocent, and he is, but...
songbyrd3 (12:59:17 AM): I've been thinking about it the wrong way. Debts shouldn't be paid by suffering, or even feeling guilty, but he does owe a debt to the world, and so do you, and I'm sure i do too, though I didn't have as much time in which to do damage.
The best way to pay debts is to do good things, make up for the mistakes. So it was wrong of me to say that nothing was owed.
songbyrd3 (1:01:08 AM): It's hard to know what to think, though. I keep confusing myself, because the way I feel keeps changing. All I ever seem to do is change. No stability.

plan awesome (1:01:40 AM): even with hearts we're still constantly in flux
plan awesome (1:03:46 AM): I've been burying myself in my old life, hoping that if I focused enough on being Eric, that it would all just go away. My friends at school dance around it - they knew I was Axel at the press conference. Just.
plan awesome (1:04:10 AM): shit kept cropping up. I CANT go back to being Eric. And now I'm not sure I want to. Remember what we talked about in August?

songbyrd3 (1:04:27 AM): We talked about a lot of things. Remind me.

plan awesome (1:04:32 AM): names

songbyrd3 (1:04:38 AM): Ah, yes

plan awesome (1:04:42 AM): who we are, if we wanted to go back to being Robin and Eric
plan awesome (1:04:50 AM): or if we were forever changed into Songbird and Axel

songbyrd3 (1:05:33 AM): I did try... but I do still think of myself as Song. Not Songbird, just Song. And they all tried to call me Robin for a while, too, but it didn't last.

plan awesome (1:05:45 AM): Really?

songbyrd3 (1:07:14 AM): But what I was trying to say earlier, and failing because I got confused and disjointed, was that it's not right to just forget it, or leave it behind. It's not right to feel horribly guilty either, but you should remember everything you did, good and bad, and make up for it if you can, without punishing yourself too much.

plan awesome (1:07:46 AM): right
plan awesome (1:08:01 AM): of course, there's the other side of it, too
plan awesome (1:08:30 AM): the reason I keep getting reminded that I was once Axel is because, well, shit. I was once AXEL
plan awesome (1:08:44 AM): Fangirl Bait McFlurry, etc

songbyrd3 (1:09:06 AM): I was gonna say... honestly... I'm amazed you went back to Earth. especially if people know.

plan awesome (1:09:15 AM): Not everyone does
plan awesome (1:09:23 AM): It's more of...
plan awesome (1:09:27 AM): Okay, it's like this
plan awesome (1:09:48 AM): I'll be sitting on the Metro, minding my own business, and someone will start staring. Maybe they'll say I look familiar
plan awesome (1:10:07 AM): I'll open my mouth, or move or something. And half of the time, it clicks.

songbyrd3 (1:12:20 AM): I can't quite imagine the level of awkwardness there. Mabry says even I would be recognized on earth. I'm going next month, for a week or so around my birthday, and i'm going to test it. I don't think it'll be as bad as she says, but you know how curious I am.
songbyrd3 (1:14:39 AM): Come to think of it, I do know where you live. I should visit. Don't know when I'll get another chance anyway, since I'm going... somewhere or other at some point soon, hopefully.

plan awesome (1:15:13 AM): heh, that'd be nice
plan awesome (1:15:27 AM): hell, you're the first ref I've said boo too since the party at mabry's

songbyrd3 (1:15:42 AM): What about Ryuu?

plan awesome (1:15:51 AM): er

songbyrd3 (1:16:31 AM): Should I not ask?

plan awesome (1:16:37 AM): no no, it's not that
plan awesome (1:16:45 AM): i just
plan awesome (1:16:51 AM): come on, I haven't even said hi to Roxas
plan awesome (1:17:01 AM): this is some hardcore denial

songbyrd3 (1:18:37 AM): Yeah... I have been keeping an eye on Roxy for you. I'd say taking care of him, only he's always flying off somewhere with Sora, which is of course what he should be doing.

plan awesome (1:18:45 AM): that's good
plan awesome (1:18:57 AM): is he, uh, adjusting to having a heart okay?

songbyrd3 (1:20:07 AM): It's been giving him some trouble. he admits things to me that he won't to the others. I had to reassure him after he kind of panicked down in the Olympus underworld. It seems like he'll be okay with it, though.

plan awesome (1:20:25 AM): what the hell was he doing in the underworld?!

songbyrd3 (1:20:33 AM): Helping Sora, of course.

plan awesome (1:20:58 AM): okay, what was SORA doing in the underworld?

songbyrd3 (1:21:54 AM): Fighting in a tournament. Roxas went off alone to see if Hades was up to anything suspicious, but he lost his nerve and of course was ashamed of that. I told him, even Sora doesn't do that sort of thing alone.

plan awesome (1:22:07 AM): .... idiot
plan awesome (1:22:14 AM): I better say hi to him
plan awesome (1:22:25 AM): of course, he'll probably punch me in the face for avoiding him

songbyrd3 (1:22:38 AM): He'll be glad to see you

plan awesome (1:22:43 AM): Song, it's roxas
plan awesome (1:22:48 AM): he says hello with his foot.

songbyrd3 (1:23:08 AM): That doesn't change the fact that he'll be glad to see you. ^_~

plan awesome (1:23:35 AM): this isn't going to turn into one of those "spam eric with pictures of his nobody in gay porn" sessions, is it?

songbyrd3 (1:24:13 AM): Light no. I haven't touched the stuff in ages. Not since last time I did that to both of you....

plan awesome (1:24:39 AM): which was what, September?

songbyrd3 (1:25:12 AM): Something like that. And it wasn't even porn. Just a really ugly yet somehow adorable pic of you two making gooey eyes at each other.

plan awesome (1:25:24 AM): barf

songbyrd3 (1:25:29 AM): Yep
songbyrd3 (1:26:20 AM): So.... Can I ask about Ryuu?

plan awesome (1:26:29 AM): there's nothing to say
plan awesome (1:26:36 AM): if anything, it's my fault. I just...
plan awesome (1:26:38 AM): ignored her.
plan awesome (1:26:51 AM): I was pretending that the two years I spent as Axel never happened.
plan awesome (1:27:11 AM): yes, all of it and I realize that it makes me a shitty boyfriend

songbyrd3 (1:28:21 AM): Meh. At least you didn't tell her that you liked her better when she was a heartless, sociopathic mass-murderer.
Not that she ever was, obviously, but that's my example of being a shitty girlfriend.

plan awesome (1:28:51 AM): wait wait wait
plan awesome (1:29:02 AM): seriously. you liked XEMNAS. as himself.

songbyrd3 (1:29:15 AM): I thought i did.
songbyrd3 (1:29:25 AM): I did. I admired him very much.
songbyrd3 (1:29:47 AM): It was his ambition. It's like Mabry told me, visionaries are always beautiful.

plan awesome (1:30:25 AM): daaaamn

songbyrd3 (1:30:28 AM): But, you know... these new hearts confuse us all. Orpheus wasn't acting like the person i'd fallen in love with.
songbyrd3 (1:30:34 AM): I overreacted.

plan awesome (1:30:43 AM): what happened to him, anyway?

songbyrd3 (1:33:26 AM): He left. He said it was because the people in Radiant Garden who had suffered because of Xemnas would persecute him, but that wasn't the main reason. If he'd wanted to, he could have worked around that.
He needed to go find himself. That's what I think, anyway. It was exactly what I saw and what made me say those things. No ambition, no passion. He didn't have a reason to live, really, and he needed some time alone to find it.
songbyrd3 (1:34:40 AM): He contacted me, though, not long ago. Said he'd found a new world. Something different. Told me to come find him, and I plan on it, as soon as I'm done here.
songbyrd3 (1:36:09 AM): It was weird, though, what he described. I don't know what to think... but he asked me to follow him, where before he practically begged me not to, and the things I said before were wrong. I can't let him down this time.

plan awesome (1:38:12 AM): heh
plan awesome (1:38:15 AM): have fun out there.

songbyrd3 (1:40:43 AM): I always do, in some way.
See, Eric, I am so grateful for everything that happened, even the things I did wrong, because I wouldn't be where I am without them. I was so afraid, as much as I could be, that getting my heart back would mean losing my memories. Even then, I knew that once I could feel joy again, I would be grateful for it all.
plan awesome (1:43:16 AM): you always were a step ahead of the rest of us

songbyrd3 (1:43:58 AM): I'd say it was only the advantage of knowing what was going to happen if I didn't do anything.
songbyrd3 (1:44:55 AM): I still laugh at how I verbally bludgeoned you into leaving with Roxas and later admitting how you felt, all to try and save your life.
songbyrd3 (1:45:54 AM): And to think it was pointless anyway, because I didn't save you or any of them and yet you're here now.

plan awesome (1:46:18 AM): but the thing is, would we be here now if it wasn't for you?
plan awesome (1:46:29 AM): that one action - getting me to leave. Look at how it avalanched.
plan awesome (1:46:40 AM): The Refs were terrified of touching canon before that.

songbyrd3 (1:47:00 AM): It would have happened eventually. It had to, since Xemnas knew about us.

plan awesome (1:47:02 AM): ... I actually sat down and played those stupid games
plan awesome (1:47:21 AM): for real, not because xigbar made me
plan awesome (1:47:41 AM): well, and the nice PS2 version of the Oblivion Project came out
plan awesome (1:47:48 AM): ... er, Chain of Memories, I guess you'd call it.

songbyrd3 (1:48:23 AM): Yeah, I watched the cutscenes. Kind of interesting to see it.

plan awesome (1:48:36 AM): was I really that much of a smug bastard?
plan awesome (1:49:14 AM): because minor nitpicks aside, it was more or less exactly how I remembered it.

songbyrd3 (1:49:22 AM): You were a a very charismatic smug, tricksy, traitorous bastard?

plan awesome (1:49:25 AM): ... goddamn I need to apologize to ienzo.

songbyrd3 (1:50:48 AM): Ienzo kinda disappeared too, actually. I heard a rumor that he went to Earth, but he could still be lurking in Radiant Garden. He's sneakier than I am.

plan awesome (1:50:58 AM): oh no, he's on Earth

songbyrd3 (1:51:01 AM): Really?

plan awesome (1:51:09 AM): He friended me on facebook

songbyrd3 (1:51:20 AM): ... lol
songbyrd3 (1:52:01 AM): I'm sorry. It's bizarrely ordinary things like that which still manage to get to me.

plan awesome (1:52:15 AM): the confirm details on how we met thing came through - before that I had no idea who it was
plan awesome (1:52:28 AM): and then the details popped up and it said 'this asshole killed me"
plan awesome (1:52:58 AM): i think most people think it's a joke

songbyrd3 (1:54:03 AM): Well, at least he did friend you. Means he wants to talk to you, maybe, a little. I know he feels horribly guilty too, for Radiant Garden and things in general.

plan awesome (1:54:31 AM): guess so

songbyrd3 (1:55:40 AM): He'll understand, if you apologize. You're obviously not who you were, and he'll see that.

plan awesome (1:56:49 AM): yeah
plan awesome (1:57:02 AM): ... oh man, itunes

songbyrd3 (1:57:31 AM): No kidding.
Who you are may hate who you've been, but you wouldn't be who you are if you hadn't been.

plan awesome (1:57:42 AM): you know how sometimes you'll be having a conversation, and iTunes will cue up a creepily appropriate--
plan awesome (1:57:46 AM): what the hell how did you know that.

songbyrd3 (1:58:05 AM): What? you got the same song? Oh, that's just weird.
plan awesome (1:58:18 AM): ... I think steve jobs is psychic
plan awesome (1:58:28 AM): or he's at least programming it into his shit.

songbyrd3 (1:58:57 AM): I'd have to agree.

plan awesome (1:59:11 AM): lemme guess where you got it.

songbyrd3 (2:00:39 AM): I don't actually know who your talking about, but my iTunes does this to me far to often, so I tend to think that it and things connected to it must be psychic.

plan awesome (2:00:57 AM): haha, steve jobs founded microsoft.
plan awesome (2:01:10 AM): wait shit
plan awesome (2:01:11 AM): apple
plan awesome (2:01:13 AM): I meant apple

songbyrd3 (2:01:40 AM): Oh.
Sheltered creature here. I never paid attention to Earth even when I lived there.

plan awesome (2:01:47 AM): I see
plan awesome (2:02:05 AM): oh my god is it really 5 am
plan awesome (2:02:14 AM): I have class in four hours aaagh

songbyrd3 (2:02:21 AM): Oh for crying out loud

plan awesome (2:02:35 AM): See, this is what i meant about old habits.
plan awesome (2:02:43 AM): I keep thinking I don't need to sleep.

songbyrd3 (2:03:18 AM): Go to sleep, you dork. Dream well and don't forget to say hi to your old friends more often in the future.
songbyrd3 (2:04:23 AM): Even if Roxas punches you, you'll be glad you did when you're hanging out and eating ice cream with him afterwards.

plan awesome (2:04:29 AM): apparently I couldn't forget you nerds if I tried
plan awesome (2:04:33 AM): and yeah
plan awesome (2:04:37 AM): sleep tight, Song

songbyrd3 (2:05:34 AM): No, I'm working on stuff tonight. You sleep for me.

plan awesome (2:05:45 AM): ... it doesn't work that way

songbyrd3 (2:05:53 AM): It does if i say so.

plan awesome (2:06:00 AM): right
plan awesome (2:06:02 AM): okay, good night
“plan awesome” signed off at 2:06:41 AM.