wrfmlogsarchive | Standing on the shore, calling out your name

Who: Song and Ren
What: Trying to cope with their encounters with Calum leads to some deeply unsettling revelations.
Where: The beach outside the castle in Atlantica
When: July 29

"This brings back memories," was Song's choice of greeting as she approached her fellow Refugee, attention far more focused on the shoreline than on Ren herself.

Ren glanced up from where she was standing, just outside the reach of the waves as they rolled in. "Good or bad?" she asked with a wan smile as she walked over, bridging the gap between them.

"Neither. Last time I saw this beach, I was the Little Mermaid of Nothingness." Her tone was mildly cynical, but there was also a hint of amusement. A small touch of carefree cheerfulness that hadn't been heard from her for a very long time.

"Funny how much things can change within such a short time, huh?" Ren mused. "Who can say if we've been changed for the better, but we have been changed for good," she half-sang, catching a bit of Song's pleasant mood.

That earned a smile. "My thoughts exactly." She paused then, taking a few steps closer to the sea before sitting down in the sand, unconcerned about getting it all over her clothes. "So..." She wasn't looking at Ren as she spoke, once again facing the sea. "You okay?"

Ren sat down as well, tucking her legs up close to her chest and loosely draping her arms around her knees. "I wish I knew," she admitted a few seconds later, pushing her glasses up as she spoke. "I mean, I want to just forget about it, call it a cheap shot, and move on, but I keep thinking about it." She looked over at Song and sighed. "How about you?"

There was a moment of silence before Song answered. "... I'm fine. Just great. I feel happier than I have in months, like there's a weight off my chest. That's the problem."

Ren blinked and tilted her head. "What do you mean?" she asked gently. "I'm sorry, I don't quite understand how..." she trailed off, lightly smacking herself in the forehead with her fingertips. "But if you did understand, it wouldn't be a problem, would it?"

"Yep. That's why it's bugging me. It doesn't make sense. You know I like to make sense of things..." She started fiddling with her hair, winding a lock around her fingers as if she were trying to play cat's cradle with it. "Josiah's in danger. He could be killed. And we've just learned that Calum's connected to the First Darkness. There's no reason at all for me to be feeling better. I've been trying to reason it out, and nothing adds up. I just... feel... wrong, somehow."

Ren sighed and leaned back a little, staring up at the sky. She tried to think of a reason for being cheerful, something like the nice weather or the gorgeous view in front of them, but nothing she came up with seemed funny enough to bother with. "That is weird," she agreed quietly. "Can you think of any reasons that have nothing to do with Josiah or Calum? Good news, a lucky find, anything? I dunno, maybe you're unconsciously trying to cheer yourself up somehow..."

"Well... I am finally getting somewhere with that dream spell. You know I've been trying to redesign it so it casts as quickly as a standard spell. I think I've almost got it." There was a faint jingling noise as her fidgetty fingers moved from her hair to the necklace she always wore. "Doesn't seem like a reason to suddenly regain my dauntless spirit after half a year of depression, though. I dunno... Maybe what ever it was that upset me, I finally got over it."

Ren shrugged, biting her lip. "People do that..." she said softly, though it didn't sound like she believed that was the case. The jingling finally caught her attention, and she curiously watched Song play with her necklace. "It's pretty," she said, smiling a little self-consciously. She had probably complimented it before, but it had been a while since she'd even seen Song, and she couldn't be quite sure.

Song's brow furrowed in confusion until she saw where Ren's gaze had fallen, and glanced down at the necklace herself. "I never thought it was all that elegant. The rings don't really go together. Only reason I wear them like this is that I'm afraid they'll slip off my fingers." She held a section of the chain taut, separating the three rings. "Did I ever explain what they represent?"

Ren looked sheepish and rubbed the back of her neck. "You might have, but go ahead and tell me anyway." She leaned back, smiling gently and ready to listen.

"The first one..." she held each ring between her fingers as she spoke, "the lion head, is my version of Griever. FF8 was what introduced me to the Squaresoft games. I was kind of obsessed with it for a while." The next ring held an opal within silver roses. "This is the Firefrost. When I was a kid, Mabry read a book to me with a magic stone by that name. We convinced ourselves that this was a shard of it, and we had to protect it from an evil witch called the Morrigan." She grinned. "It's kind of a symbol of how much my imagination has influenced me." The last ring was the smallest, engraved with a pattern of swirling lines. "The sister ring. Mabry gave me this and kept it's mate when we decided to think of each other as sisters. Actually..." She narrowed her eyes again, and reached inot a pocket, pulling out another ring of similar design. "I have Mabry's right now. I need to give it back to her."

Ren perked up a little upon hearing the Morrigan's name, having read about her in a Celtic Literature class. "The tricky shapeshifter," she said softly, smiling at actually remembering one of the names from that class. Her brows drew together when she saw Mabry's ring. "Huh. Why would you have it?" she asked curiously.

She just nodded at the Morrigan comment, but the question of the ring seemed to stump her. "Not sure... I don't remember. It's not something we normally do, passing them back and forth." She frowned in concentration. "...Maybe she'll remember, when I give it back."

"That's strange," Ren said. She frowned thoughtfully, biting her lip again. "You don't think..." she said hesitantly before continuing. "You don't think your memory's been tampered with, do you? It could explain why you suddenly feel better about things despite everything else..."

Song tilted her head, considering carefully. When she answered, the tone of surprise suggested that the idea hadn't occurred to her until then. "I... don't know. It doesn't feel like it has. There aren't any gaps... not big ones, anyway. Everyone forgets things. But... there are some things that confuse me. I can't make sense of everything..." She sounded genuinely upset about this, almost lost. It made sense, in a way. She was used to making connections even where no one else did.

"Oh, jeez," Ren said softly, leaning over to give Song a hug. "It's all right, it'll come back to you." She frowned, thinking of the most likely culprit and wanting to throttle him all over again. And she was not going to start thinking about what this might mean for her, too. Not now, anyway.

The hug startled her as much as the suggestion that something had been done to her memories. "It's okay, really... I just can't stand being confused. We finally get answers to one mystery and then all of a sudden the last several months stop making sense." She growled under her breath, but pulled away and looked Ren in the eye. "I think it's your turn."

"Yeah, though if it was easy, it'd probably be a sign that something had gone horribly wrong," Ren joked nervously before wincing a little as Song put the spotlight on her. "All right, I guess it's only fair..." She ran a hand through her hair and closed her eyes, thinking back to that night and its aftermath.

"Seems to me that last time was a lot easier than this time, but that's probably just euphoric memory...." she trailed off into silence, waiting curiously for Ren's story.

"I'm still not sure why Calum took the time to go after me, if he was in such a hurry to get off world," Ren said quietly after a while. "Yeah, I was trying to find a way to free Josiah from him, but I hadn't had much luck." She groaned with frustration as something came back to her, digging her toes into the sand. "Wait, there was one book I hadn't checked yet. He was looking through it just before... of course he'd manage to find the one useful part in the entire library," she muttered sourly. "It figures."

"It does figure," she agreed with equal annoyance. "There's one thing I'm curious about, though. You said Lilith was with him? How was she acting when you saw her? The thing is, last time I talked to her, she was planning to kill him."

Ren exhaled slowly, running a hand through her hair again. "Yeah, she was with him. She seemed perfectly civil toward him, too. A little annoyed, but not exactly murderous." She sighed, feeling frustrated again. "I wish I was paying more attention to what she was saying, but like I said, I was still reeling from the brain freeze from hell," she admitted, obviously angry at herself.

Song bit her lip, turning a frown towards the sea. "That girl is so unpredictable..." she looked back at Ren, letting her expression soften. "It's not your fault, though. Calum's magic is one of the worst things I've ever felt. Hell, it is the worst thing, if he is what it looks like. It must be almost pure Darkness...."

"I still wish I'd paid more attention to her," Ren said quietly. "But I'm definitely not arguing with you on that one. When we dove into Margaret's dream and faced Maleficent, yeah, her fire hurt, but this..." Ren cringed. "And I'm still scared. I mean, what if Calum did do something to your memory? He could have easily done it to me, too, and I wouldn't even know it."

She continued to nibble on her lower lip when she wasn't speaking. It was practically an automatic response. "I still don't know... if he did mess with my memories, but... how do you feel? Anything you can't explain?"

Ren shook her head in response. "Not really. Chances are I'm just letting my imagination get the better of me, anyway." She blinked a few times and continued to play with her hair. "There is one thing I don't get, though. I really do believe I heard Josiah's voice during the attack. He told me, 'use this,' and 'don't let him...', but I still can't figure out what he meant. Use what?"

"Hmm. Do you remember what was happening at the moment he said that?"

Ren swallowed and hesitated before responding. "Just the attack, really. It all just felt like... like icicles stabbing me from the inside, and..." she said quietly, rubbing her arms against the memory of it. "Then I heard Josiah, and it got a little better... Calum let go of me a second or so after that, and it all stopped." That was how it happened... wasn't it?

"Maybe what he meant by 'use this' was just the manner in which he was helping you. Like saying 'here', and then performing an action to help someone, rather than actually giving them something material."

"I hadn't thought of that," Ren said pensively. "But you heard him too, right? What was that like?"

"He saved me," was the first thing she said, with firm sincerity. Then, more thoughtfully, she elaborated, "he tried to warn me off first. I couldn't tell is he was fully aware or just reacting automatically. I just heard 'get out, get out, get out'... But then he called me by name and begged me to leave. And when Calum caught me, Josi was there. I could feel him holding me... after the attack stopped." There was more, but she cut herself off, looking conflicted. Her teeth came sharply down over her bottom lip again.

"So it wasn't just our imaginations," Ren said, sounding relieved. "He really is still in there... and that bastard's making him watch," she added, quickly shifting to furious. "Ugh, that slimy little..." she ground out before looking back up at Song again. "What is it?" she asked, trying to put her anger behind her for the moment. "What's the matter?"

"Nothing, it's just..." Song blinked several times, averting her eyes again. Slowly, the hand that had stopped fidgetting as she focused on the conversation came up to rest above her right breast. "I didn't... feel this way, before." Her voice was meek, and also hesitant, like there was something she didn't quite want to admit.

Ren's eyes widened as she put the pieces together. Still, considering the possibility that she could have just completely botched the puzzle instead, she stayed quiet, letting Song continue if she felt like it. "Yes?" she said softly, leaving room for Song to take the conversation whichever way she wanted.

She opened her mouth to answer... froze... then sighed heavily and tried again. "It’s part of what has me so confused... My mind tells me one thing and my heart tells me another. Every since I got it back," she tapped her chest, "it's been a clear separation, but never quite like this... I don't really know how to explain."

"Like logic and emotion have turned their 'trial separation' after their estrangement?" Ren asked before cringing at her own bad metaphor. "Sorry. For what it's worth though, I think a lot of people go through something like that, too. It might be to a lesser degree, it might not be, but you're not alone."

"I know, but... Ren.... have I..." She faltered again, breath catching before it could form words. "No, never mind. It doesn't make sense."

Ren frowned and gently placed a hand on Song's shoulder. "So don't be afraid to talk it out. Maybe it'll make sense from another angle," she softly urged. "O-Only if you want to, of course!" she added quickly. "It's your heart and mind. It's your choice."

Another sigh, and she stared off at the liquid horizon for a moment before speaking. "I really like Josiah. I've had a bit of a crush on him for ages, really, but I was ignoring it. I don't know why. I'm so worried about him, afraid for his life... and the strangest thing is, my heart tells me I've felt this way before."

Ren sucked in a breath and held it before responding. "I... kind of know how you feel," she admitted before her mind had a chance to tell her mouth to zip it. Rather than elaborate, she looked back at Song, tilting her head a little. "You mean with Xem--I'm sorry, with Orpheus?" she asked.

She was about to respond, but Ren's second comment seemed to throw her completely off track. "Orpheus? No... I considered him a friend. I was delighted that he got the chance to live... and I admired Xemnas a lot. But I didn't feel that way for either of them."

"Wait, what?" Ren stared at Song as though she had suddenly started speaking another language. "That doesn't make any... No, you loved him," she insisted. "That was such a big part of how you got your heart back, realizing that loving your friends, and loving him, was so crucial to..." She stumbled over a few more words before groaning and trying again. "You were so desperate to save him from the First Darkness, because you loved him..."

Song turned to face her fully, to stare at her in confusion. "No, I... That wasn't the case. I don't remember that... I couldn't-- I've never been in love..." She didn't sound enitirely convinced by her own words.

Ren covered her mouth, starting to feel ill at the realization. "I think..." she began in a small voice before swallowing and trying again. "I think I just figured out what it was you just got over a little while ago."

Her expression was one of dawning horror. "I was... deeply depressed for months, and I can't remember why. It felt like an integral part of me was missing. Like a Nobody, longing for my heart... and I remember actions, and decisions, and images that don't connect. That's why I was so confused...But I don't remember love."

Ren bit her lip, wanting to help despite feeling painfully ignorant. "You and Orpheus... you didn't stay together. I think you wanted to meet him on Destiny Islands not that long ago, but the plague was still pretty bad then, so travel was impossible..." she said haltingly. "Oh Song, I'm so, so sorry..."

She took a deep breath, tense and rigid where she sat. "You can erase the memories of emotion... but not the emotion itself. Unless you change the heart that feels it." She looked at Ren searchingly. "I really... loved him?"

Ren swallowed and nodded. "You did..." The ramifications of Song's words were still sinking in, terrifying her from the possibilities. "Mabry should be able to help you remember or understand it better than I could..." she offered, trying to stay calm.

"I just... even when you say it, and the rest makes sense... I don't remember any of it." she put a hand to her head, curling fingers around her hair and tugging slightly, as if she could pull the memories back into sight. "... but I really want to kill Calum."

Ren nodded before pulling Song into another hug. "I know. We're going to make sure Calum gets what's coming to him, I promise. We'll free Josiah, and then we'll be free to make Calum pay," she insisted. "And we'll find a way to make things make sense again somehow."

This time she didn't pull away from the hug, but couldn't quite bring herself to return it either. "So what do I do about... Josiah?

"I think you're the only one who can make that decision," Ren said hesitantly. "But if you've liked him for as long as you say you have, then that's not the Darkness' doing. It's up to you, but don't be afraid of how you feel about him just because of Orpheus. You're human; it's in your nature for your heart to be conflicted sometimes."

"I guess... Orpheus explains why I only teased him, and never tried to get any closer..." She was mumbling to herself as much as to Ren, her mood continuing to darken as she used that missing piece to make sense of the whole puzzle.

Ren gulped and slowly let Song go. "Is... is there anything else you want to talk about?" she asked in a subdued voice, knowing that any more bombshells right now probably wouldn't be healthy for either of them.

"I... not really. You kind of answered all my questions. Do you... have anything else?"

"Maybe," Ren said with an uneasy shrug. "But I'm not sure if now's the best time. I can wait for a little while to talk about it, don't worry," she said with a gentle smile.

"Alright. If you say so... I should probably go see Mabry..." She shifted away and stood slowly, looking once again at the sea. "I lied, also. The beach does make me feel something." And then she walked quickly, not looking back.

"Yeah, okay..." Ren got up as well, dusting the sand off of her skirts. What Song said about the beach made her look up, but she was already too far away to ask by then. She hung back, pressing her fist against her mouth as she tried to come to terms with what the two of them had uncovered. "Just what on earth did he do to us?"