the color of her eyes were the color of insanity

[songbird9.livejournal.com]

Who: Song and Lilith
What: The usual
Where: Radiant Garden castle
When: Monday, December 28


Christmas had been fantastic. The best she could remember, with so many friends, such a beautiful setting, and, well... a break from the heartache which and never stopped since Orpheus left.
But as much as she was enjoying this vacation from fighting Darkness, there were still serious matters to deal with. Namely, looking out for a heartbroken demon.
She'd had luck finding Lilith at the castle before, so that was the first place she checked, simply wandering slowly through the familiar rooms and corridors in search of any sign that Lilith had passed this way.

The black-haired demon, wearing a long coat that seemed even whiter than the snow itself, was at the Great Crest, leaning against one of the rails there and staring quietly out into the snowy winter landscape. If she took any notice that Song was approaching, she said nothing. But she also made no movement to leave.

Song, in turn, gave no outward acknowledgement of her introverted friend, but moved to stand at the rail a few paces from Lilith, as if she'd come here for the view herself.
She'd give the succubus a few moments. If Lilith did or said nothing in that time, then she'd speak.

Silence reigned between the two for a few minutes before Lilith turned to look at Song, eyes carefully blank of any emotion.
"What do you want, Song?"

In front of anyone else, Song might have given a snort of amusement at that brusque greeting, so typical of Lilith. However, because it was Lilith, she kept a straight face, afraid to offend the demon and send her off in a huff.
"I missed you," she said by way of a reply.

Lilith turned away with a small frown, but she didn't shoot down the answer. It was almost as if she still couldn't comprehend what it meant to be missed... except by one person. Her hands clinched into fists just slightly, but she didn't say a single word.

The silence was no surprise, but Song continued in a cautious voice, not willing to lose her before she could at least get some real hint of Lilith's well-being.
"How are you holding up?"

"I'm fine," came the emotionless answer.

Oh, sure. It seemed like getting through to Lilith became more of a challenge each time. It always came down to a battle of stubbornness.
"Well then," she said musingly. "Tell me about something that's made you happy recently."

She turned back to Song, an almost uncertain look in her eyes that was quickly covered up by arrogant disbelief.
"Happy?" she echoed, a frown in her voice.

Song met her eyes with a look of simple, open honesty. "I don't think it's possible to be 'fine' if you're not happy. Unless we're going by the Refugee definition of 'fine', which means something near the opposite."

"What does it matter to you anyway?" Lilith responded quietly, sharply. "You have what you wanted - it's not as if any sort of happiness I feel will affect that."

That statement actually startled Song, and she couldn't keep the confusion from showing on her face. Nor did she try to.
"Lilith..." the name was laced with sympathy, which she tried to subdue in the following words for fear of upsetting Lilith further. "Do you really not understand? I know that heart of yours isn't entirely Dark. I know you can care about others, be concerned for their safety... and mourn them when they're gone. Don't you know by now that I feel the same way about you?"

She shook her head in disagreement, eyes flashing darkly. "No. When you see me, you see what could have happened to you, if you hadn't been so fortunate with your Orpheus." This time, her hands did clench into fists. "I do not need or want a human's pity."

Those words hurt, but not for the reason Lilith might think.
"I was your friend before I knew about Calum," she said quietly. "It's because I already cared about you that seeing you hurt made me pity you so much. Anyway..." She didn't want to say the last part. It wasn't needed here, but it escaped before she could stop herself.
"He left me behind."

"But at least the good part of him still lives," Lilith replied, her voice clipped. Tension made her tremble just slightly, but after a second or two, she unclenched her fists and turned an icy glare towards Song. "You have nothing stopping you from going after him except yourself. You at least still have that chance."

She nodded, looking apologetic. "Yes, that's true. I'd say I'm sorry, but you don't want to hear it. Lilith, it's not the point. The point is that I worry about you, and I want to be there for you, not because you remind me of myself, but because I hate knowing that someone I care about isn't well. And I hate... not being able to do anything about it." She finally averted her eyes. She couldn't stand keeping eye contact during this kind of tension.

She kept her eyes on Song for a few moments more before turning back to look out at the horizon. "It doesn't matter. There's nothing that anyone can do anyway."

"Yeah, well..." Song was able to look at her again once the demon's gaze was elsewhere. "No one can bring him back," unless things went very badly with Josiah's memory problem, she did not say, "but they can still help you keep going. That's why I asked about happiness. It may not feel that way, but there are other things to live for. Otherwise why would you be here now?"

She was silent, but whether or not she was contemplating Song's words or not was hard to tell. There was no emotion on her face at all, and she seemed as if she were done with whatever conversation they had.

Song had managed to get herself almost as distressed as Lilith was acting, and it took a few breaths to calm herself. Then she resumed her original pose, staring out over the city below.
She sighed.
"I just don't want to lose you." That was all she really wanted Lilith to know. That and all of its connotations, each of which she'd said before. Everything with Lilith was a struggle, but she couldn't help loving the demon. Sometimes she hardly knew why.

She turned her head away just slightly so Song couldn't see her expression. "Everyone loses everything eventually. No matter how hard you try to hold onto it. Living..." She stopped here and seemed to struggle to find words. "Living forever only means that you lose more."

"Yeah... but it also means you can gain more." That was perhaps the easiest answer throughout this whole conversation. She felt like Lilith's Conscience, or perhaps something along the lines of her Optimism, more than an ordinary friend.

She ducked her head just slightly, in a gesture that may have been sorrow in anyone else. "To gain means nothing if the most important thing I ever had..." She trailed off, the tension returning to her body.
Finally, she murmured, "I hated him so much after what he did."

Song winced as if in pain. She could define 'heart-wrenching' with those words.
And she couldn't say anything that would change it.
What she did next was probably a very bad idea, but the only other option was silence, and that would be the same as saying that Lilith was right.
She pulled back from the rail, almost as if she were going to leave, but instead she stepped quietly behind Lilith and wrapped her arms around the demon, gently, yet with enough strength to keep her there, if only for a moment.

Lilith flinched at the touch, and after a moment, untangled herself from Song's embrace, quietly moving away. She shot the woman a hard look. "You don't know me. You didn't know him."

Song just turned to lean against the railing, watching her. "I know you're stubborn, and don't like others coming too close. I know you want nothing to do with us Refugees, but you care despite yourself. A demon with a half-human heart. I know you've lost the one you loved... twice... but you lived hundreds or thousands of years before you ever knew him, and you might well live another thousand. What I don't know, Lilith, is why. What did your life mean before you met him, and what does it mean now?"

Lilith shook her head. "You can't even begin to realize what it's like. Before Nasser bound me to that damned book, my purpose in life revolved around what I am. Then, after that..." She turned away again, anger in every line of her stance.
"It was always the same. Every one of my masters wanted the same thing from me." Her voice grew quieter. "Until Calum."

"He saved you from what you are... by loving you." Her voice was equally quiet.
"And now Josiah has done the same, by changing you, hasn't he?"

Lilith looked out over the wintry horizon again, and didn't seem as if she wanted to answer the question. She stood just like a statue - except nowhere near as cold. "What he became was because of me. He was always ambitious, always wanted more than what he could possibly get, but..." Her voice hardened. "My current master should never have gotten himself involved the way he did. It's all pointless."

Song shook her head. "None of it's pointless. It's life. I don't know about Josiah, or Calum, but these days, every time I go head-first into a situation that might end me, I don't do it blindly. I'd rather live a short life full of purpose and passion than a long one, never doing anything meaningful just because I might get hurt." She sighed again, more of frustration than sorrow this time. "Josiah could have abandoned you, passed you and that book off to someone else, but he didn't. A lot of his suffering was, in part, for your sake, and blaming yourself isn't going to repay the favor."

"Favors," Lilith scoffed. "He owes me nothing and I owe him nothing. Everything that I've done and everything that he has done has resulted in this situation that we're in today. The person who I..." She halted, her shoulders slumping just slightly. "The person who I loved more than anything, the person who I destroyed before I ever killed him, is still with me. Every memory of us, every memory of passion and every memory of betrayal belongs to the only other master who cared enough about me to try to foolishly change my destiny."
She turned to Song then, her face suddenly tired. "You tell me to live my purpose, but everything I have done, everything I have tried to do has only hurt the people who have tried to help me the most."

Song closed her eyes, head tilted downward in sadness or in thought.
"Maybe... you're just not trying hard enough. Or maybe it's not something you can do alone. Despite what they say, the past doesn't always repeat itself. There's always a chance that it will work out this time, and we can save him." Her eyes opened again then, staring up at Lilith. Against the darkened tawny of her hair and the paleness of her skin, they shone almost as blue as the demon's.

She closed her eyes, jaw set in stubbornness. "You work on chances. I work on absolutes." She met Song's gaze very calmly now, a resolute decision in them. "Stop trying to change who I am. If this is the closest I will ever get to closure, then so be it." The overall meaning of those words were clear and terrible in their finality.

Song felt her gut twist in reaction and squeezed her eyes shut again, fists clenched at her sides. Xemnas and even Calum seemed like nothing compared to Lilith when it came to a test of wills. Perhaps this was the power of a broken heart. Song wondered wryly if it was something similar that made her fight so hard to get her way.
".... Don't just give up," she murmured, and her tone was not sympathetic or desperate, but somehow fierce. "Don't you dare give up. If you fail and everything that still matters to you is lost, don't let it be because you gave up. That's all I ask."

Her eyes narrowed, as if trying to figure out what Song was getting at. "I won't." She glanced back at the castle again, a frown on her face. "He is mine, Song. As much as Calum was, so is he, now. I will not give this up."

She relaxed. Those words were more than she'd expected, and more than enough. What it meant for her own relationship with Josiah didn't matter, as long as Lilith would be there to protect him when Song could not.
"Good."
She pushed off of the rail, and this time it was to go. She paused in the doorway to say "thank you," and then left the demon alone with her thoughts.

Lilith watched her go, a frown on her face. Then, when she was sure Song was gone, she bowed her head in sorrow, closing her eyes, and remembering someone whom she had hurt long before he had betrayed her trust in him.
"I'm sorry," she whispered quietly, even knowing that it was too late.